sway

lately, i've really been feeling like i'm not at all consistent with who i am...or how i act. when i'm with certain people, i act one way and when i'm alone i act one way, and when i'm with other people, i act still another way. i guess this is all part of that process we've affectionately call, "finding yourself." but i don't know. i don't like it at all. i wish i would just be consistent with everyone. it gets so bad at times that i don't feel like i know myself.

some would say that group dynamics changes everybody...that everyone acts different in big groups than when they are alone or with a small group. that may be true...but did jesus? i don't know. i've just gotten frustrated lately trying to figure out who i am and what i believe and how i want to think and act. and who i want to hang out with. and what i want to do with my time.
etc.

there may not be a problem with being a little different around different people, but for me it is a problem because when i am with some people, i totally lose that awareness of God in my life for the hours i'm with them. and when i'm with others, that is our central point of conversation almost everytime we get together.

i think I just have to be. I can't bind myself to one version of who I want to be. I just have to be...who I am...and how do I do that? probably by not thinking or worrying about figuring out who I am. because when I'm just living, not thinking about who I am...I am being who I am. the key is this: let Jesus form who i am...in every way, in every thought, in every action, in everything. in doing this, my individuality will shape itself.


who knows why i would blog about this... probably more for my own good than for your reading pleasure.

ok well, i need to go now. talk to you later.

peace out.
a town down.

andrew