breaking the silence

still having a hard time with ashley dying....but now...it's a lot more of a hole in my heart feeling whenever i think about her...and then i realize, she's gone...

for now

man, i love music. it just does something for me...like nothing else does.
something in music can resonate deep within me and when a song hits all of the right words and you can just relate to it....what a gift from God to be able to make something so hurtful seem so beautiful.

i say this because i am listening to kelly clarkson's Because of You and it just brings the memories flooding back of driving to the cemetary in the processional from the funeral to the burial. we switched on the radio and this song was on...and i lost it...i think that at that moment...the full revelation that she is gone...that we were about to see her be put in the ground forever...hit me. it all seems so surreal...life this past 2 weeks has looked felt like watching a tv show and watching everything go on around me...but feeling like at any minute i can just pick up the remote, switch it all off, get up and walk away, and move on...living in reality.

but this is reality

and now i start to see why this is happening. im learning that i need to let go of the past, let go of control, let go of the reins, and let Jesus be in control. realizing my weakness. my immature love. my failures. stop thinking everything is going perfectly. and know that it's ok to move on