Ashley

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My really good friend Ashley McCandless just died about an hour ago from cancer. I'm really having a hard time with this because I don't know if she was a Christian for sure or not. Of course, i would love to think that the time she did confess Jesus as Savior was genuine...she wasn't living like it when she died. I feel like I could have done so much more...to encourage her...to comfort her...but me, being my self-righteous self, didn't. And now its too late. This sucks. It couldn't have been her time to die...it couldn't! she was only 15! I wish I could just drive up and pray for her to be raised from the dead...but then i don't have the faith to do that.

This is really a shock of reality. We even prayed for her to be healed once and believed that she was. I thought she was all better and I haven't talked to her since June because she's been busy...i tried calling in September but she never returned my call. And then Lauren called me today and told me at around 10 am that she was doing really badly and was at Iowa City Hospital. She said that she had about a week to live. And we were all gonna go up and see her again. Then she called again at around 3pm and told me that she had died about 5 minutes ago.

I should have been praying! I should have been doing SOMETHING other than working on updating my windows media player for FIVE hours....I should have gone up and seen her and prayed with her...I should have...but i didn't...and i can't go back now.

This is so hard. We had so many good times. She came to church with me a few times and I can remember the day that she wanted to become a Christian...but i just wish I knew if it was sincere or not...

Tracy said that God wouldn't send a 15 year old who has gone through this much to hell. Especially knowing that she wanted to accept Him.

I guess I can't do much now...but there were so many things I should have done.

Jesus, I'm sorry I didn't do more...I'm sorry I abandoned her and left her to fight this fight of faith on her own.

Jesus, the only hope I have now is that she is in Heaven with You now...and seeing that its only been 3 hours since she got there, she's probably just seeing your face and running into Your arms, pain free...with a full head of hair. She's twirling in a field, marveling at the beauty of Your handiwork. She's gazing into the eyes of this Man Jesus and feeling His fiery love penetrate her lovesick heart. She's seeing this love that she didn't experience on earth. She's crying tears of joy in His chest. She's running into His throne room and falling down in awe. She's walking into her mansion and seeing all of the nice things that Jesus prepared for her. She's meeting Paul, David, Ruth, Esther, Elijah, Abraham, Rebecca, and Mary. She's dancing with Jesus in fields of grace. To bring her back into this painful world now would only rob her of her eternal new found joy.

And she's finally with her dad again. Finally hugging Him and catching up with all of her friends who have lost this same battle. She's whole, healed, and pain free. And she's gazing into the beautiful eyes of Jesus. Rejoicing in Heaven...and singing with all of the angels.

this is the hope that I hold onto.

Jesus, let her be the first one that meets me at the gates of Heaven. Jesus, I pray that this would drive me to share Your love with so many others. Let me never forget again the frailty and value of every day. This day could be anyone's last. I never saw this coming.

Gosh, this is hard. I can't even begin to express how badly this hurts. She fought so hard:

Jesus, she's in Your hands now...

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry,
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where the heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord because I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But even if You showed me the hurt would be the same
Because I'm still here so far away from home

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
In Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see You again

To see You again