sway

lately, i've really been feeling like i'm not at all consistent with who i am...or how i act. when i'm with certain people, i act one way and when i'm alone i act one way, and when i'm with other people, i act still another way. i guess this is all part of that process we've affectionately call, "finding yourself." but i don't know. i don't like it at all. i wish i would just be consistent with everyone. it gets so bad at times that i don't feel like i know myself.

some would say that group dynamics changes everybody...that everyone acts different in big groups than when they are alone or with a small group. that may be true...but did jesus? i don't know. i've just gotten frustrated lately trying to figure out who i am and what i believe and how i want to think and act. and who i want to hang out with. and what i want to do with my time.
etc.

there may not be a problem with being a little different around different people, but for me it is a problem because when i am with some people, i totally lose that awareness of God in my life for the hours i'm with them. and when i'm with others, that is our central point of conversation almost everytime we get together.

i think I just have to be. I can't bind myself to one version of who I want to be. I just have to be...who I am...and how do I do that? probably by not thinking or worrying about figuring out who I am. because when I'm just living, not thinking about who I am...I am being who I am. the key is this: let Jesus form who i am...in every way, in every thought, in every action, in everything. in doing this, my individuality will shape itself.


who knows why i would blog about this... probably more for my own good than for your reading pleasure.

ok well, i need to go now. talk to you later.

peace out.
a town down.

andrew

breaking the silence

still having a hard time with ashley dying....but now...it's a lot more of a hole in my heart feeling whenever i think about her...and then i realize, she's gone...

for now

man, i love music. it just does something for me...like nothing else does.
something in music can resonate deep within me and when a song hits all of the right words and you can just relate to it....what a gift from God to be able to make something so hurtful seem so beautiful.

i say this because i am listening to kelly clarkson's Because of You and it just brings the memories flooding back of driving to the cemetary in the processional from the funeral to the burial. we switched on the radio and this song was on...and i lost it...i think that at that moment...the full revelation that she is gone...that we were about to see her be put in the ground forever...hit me. it all seems so surreal...life this past 2 weeks has looked felt like watching a tv show and watching everything go on around me...but feeling like at any minute i can just pick up the remote, switch it all off, get up and walk away, and move on...living in reality.

but this is reality

and now i start to see why this is happening. im learning that i need to let go of the past, let go of control, let go of the reins, and let Jesus be in control. realizing my weakness. my immature love. my failures. stop thinking everything is going perfectly. and know that it's ok to move on

Ashley

Music Video Codes By VidPile.com
My really good friend Ashley McCandless just died about an hour ago from cancer. I'm really having a hard time with this because I don't know if she was a Christian for sure or not. Of course, i would love to think that the time she did confess Jesus as Savior was genuine...she wasn't living like it when she died. I feel like I could have done so much more...to encourage her...to comfort her...but me, being my self-righteous self, didn't. And now its too late. This sucks. It couldn't have been her time to die...it couldn't! she was only 15! I wish I could just drive up and pray for her to be raised from the dead...but then i don't have the faith to do that.

This is really a shock of reality. We even prayed for her to be healed once and believed that she was. I thought she was all better and I haven't talked to her since June because she's been busy...i tried calling in September but she never returned my call. And then Lauren called me today and told me at around 10 am that she was doing really badly and was at Iowa City Hospital. She said that she had about a week to live. And we were all gonna go up and see her again. Then she called again at around 3pm and told me that she had died about 5 minutes ago.

I should have been praying! I should have been doing SOMETHING other than working on updating my windows media player for FIVE hours....I should have gone up and seen her and prayed with her...I should have...but i didn't...and i can't go back now.

This is so hard. We had so many good times. She came to church with me a few times and I can remember the day that she wanted to become a Christian...but i just wish I knew if it was sincere or not...

Tracy said that God wouldn't send a 15 year old who has gone through this much to hell. Especially knowing that she wanted to accept Him.

I guess I can't do much now...but there were so many things I should have done.

Jesus, I'm sorry I didn't do more...I'm sorry I abandoned her and left her to fight this fight of faith on her own.

Jesus, the only hope I have now is that she is in Heaven with You now...and seeing that its only been 3 hours since she got there, she's probably just seeing your face and running into Your arms, pain free...with a full head of hair. She's twirling in a field, marveling at the beauty of Your handiwork. She's gazing into the eyes of this Man Jesus and feeling His fiery love penetrate her lovesick heart. She's seeing this love that she didn't experience on earth. She's crying tears of joy in His chest. She's running into His throne room and falling down in awe. She's walking into her mansion and seeing all of the nice things that Jesus prepared for her. She's meeting Paul, David, Ruth, Esther, Elijah, Abraham, Rebecca, and Mary. She's dancing with Jesus in fields of grace. To bring her back into this painful world now would only rob her of her eternal new found joy.

And she's finally with her dad again. Finally hugging Him and catching up with all of her friends who have lost this same battle. She's whole, healed, and pain free. And she's gazing into the beautiful eyes of Jesus. Rejoicing in Heaven...and singing with all of the angels.

this is the hope that I hold onto.

Jesus, let her be the first one that meets me at the gates of Heaven. Jesus, I pray that this would drive me to share Your love with so many others. Let me never forget again the frailty and value of every day. This day could be anyone's last. I never saw this coming.

Gosh, this is hard. I can't even begin to express how badly this hurts. She fought so hard:

Jesus, she's in Your hands now...

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry,
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where the heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord because I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But even if You showed me the hurt would be the same
Because I'm still here so far away from home

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
In Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see You again

To see You again

and this is why i am not fond of Christian T-Shirts

dang, those are bad...but then there's this one:
http://www.adifferentdirection.com/detail.asp?ProductID=354&Category=Christian+T%2DShirts&SubCategory=Adult+Christian+T%2Dshirts&Search=&Page=11

did they really have to go there?

and this site...there were too many flat out bad ones to post...please take a look and see what christians these days are wearing...its painful. it really is. http://www.choiceshirts.com/dept/c1/religious_t-shirts/?&utm_campaign=google&utm_source=google_skb&utm_medium=ppc&utm_term=christian+tee+shirts

on the other hand, there are some that i did like:





i don't know...i guess it all comes down to personal opinion. but in my opinion, i'm not really diggin' the whole Christian T-shirt deal

ok, im done now.

-Andrew-

Christian Tee-Shirts

so i've been thinking about/looking at a lot of Christian t-shirts lately. let me tell you what i think about them. i think that the better half of Christian t-shirts are stupid. they send much more of a message of "im a christian-your not-im better than you- get over it." than a message of love. i also think that a lot of them are very cliquish and sort of seperate the person wearing them from the world around them. and that should never happen. though i will say i have come across a few that i really liked but i've also come across many that i very much disliked. kate would call these "shirts that pained her." as would i. don't get me wrong, there are some people who can pull off a "serious" Christian t-shirt and get a good message across, but for the most part, i really am not fond of them...when i get back to my mom's house tomorrow, i am going to post some pictures of some that i like and some that are just retarded...check back tomorrow night.

Isn't He lovely?
Isn't He beautiful?
Isn't He lovely? My, my God.

"Our great invitation is to take a voluntary freefall into the Ocean of God Himself."

of Love Himself.

the next post || shiny new guitars with dulce and gabanna guitar cases

there you have it my friends. never seen such a beautiful couple in your life now have you?

yup.

they pretty much speak for themselves.

designer guitar cases and the posse at borders

today, i got my second birthday present from my parents, (which i totally wasn't expecting because a new computer was enough for me lol), but anyways, i got a new guitar. it is beautiful. it's a spruce alvarez and the case is fantastic. i swear to you, it is truly the louie vuitton of guitar cases. pictures on the next post.

tonight, we (krista, kate, jennifer swift, and cindy, and I) went to borders (books, music, and cafe? heck yes) and chillaxed for about three hours. we had a swell time i would say and talked about everything: lost, housing foreclosures, the appropriate shape of a human fece, and cheesy centerfolds. quite random conversation. but most likely not soon to be forgotten. do you ever have those conversations that were so involved and had so many great parts, but you can't remember a single one of the details because they all blend into one big plethera (ooo, good word) of memory? yea, im definitely having one of those moments. so i guess i will leave it at that. (or as cindy would say, let it go)

tomorrow i have my last 2 finals for this quarter and i get out of school at 11:25. and hooray for 3 and a half day weekends. no school monday. this shall be a fun weekend.

no plans. just life.

-Andrew-

p.s. i am enjoying having the internet back but i think that i will need to ration my time on here because since i got my new computer, it is pretty much all i've been doing. i shall work out a plan and post about it shortly.

its all about: love

God Others Period